So, your child has a device and you’ve discovered something you were hoping you’d never see. Or maybe you just heard about the scary things that are out there! Now what?
Step 1 – Don’t panic. The human brain’s natural reaction to stressful news is known as fight or flight – get mad or get scared. Both of those are reactions that flood your brain with cortisol. You can’t fully access the benefits of your cerebral cortex when you’re angry or afraid (Pederson, 2018). Ever notice that when you are in emotional overload is when you tend to make bad choices?
Step 2 – Don’t ignore it. Your brain wants to protect you from overload AND prevent conflict/danger/difficulty, so stay mindful. Don’t let your brain’s natural programming retreat to somewhere comfortable. Often, something seems awful right BEFORE you actually jump in and take it on. Don’t ignore the problem under any guise. Don’t tell yourself “I just respect their privacy” unless it’s truly a minor offense that’s better off being ignored than confronted. Check yourself, are you fearful? Then do what you need to do to get ready to take it on.
Step 3 – Get informed (and get support) here are some links to good advice on specifics for how to help your child manage their device. The information is constantly updating, so here I will refer you to some of my favorite resources for the latest research:
Step 4 – Be honest (you might need to practice your words first) Have a conversation. If you are dreading the conversation, get a mediator by your side (and another by theirs, if that helps). Clarify why it is you are stepping in. Give enough information necessary to inform them, but not to frighten them. This is a moment for vulnerability, not condemnation or demanding uncontested control.
Step 5 – Show love & empathy. Keep developing the relationship. Commit to continuing to learn about parenting – be open to learning new concepts and techniques that help you understand them and show empathy. Use discipline as a guide, not a weapon. You can’t protect them from everything, but that shouldn’t stop you from trying! Open the channels of communication and try to comprehend. How well you listen to them will have an enormous influence on how well they’ll listen to you. Listening and understanding do not automatically equate to agreeing or condoning. We can be understanding about how hard it is even as we’re insisting it has to be that way. Sometimes love means being willing to feel some of someone else’s pain.
Step 6 – Plan together what you will do next. Show them the decision you’ve made for screen-monitoring, blocking or filtering options based on your current research (make sure you’re aware which operating system your child’s device uses), then let them help you form the plan for when, what, and for how long. Plan in advance to be open to their input (make an informed decision, not an emotional one), but it’s easier to start strict and lighten up than it is to bear down after they’re accustomed to having a free-for-all. This is like using guard rails on the highway or baby proofing around the house – it may seem restrictive, but it’s for their protection. Let them know you’ll continue to adapt as they grow, but in addition to monitoring they need screen-free time to be able to develop social skills and impulse control (Grover, 2017).
Step 7 – Project Confidence. Kathy Koch, PhD, author of “Screens and Teens” (2015), advocates the idea that we are in the business of motivating our kids to internalize values that lead to good choices. She says we are not as effective when we are merely monitoring their choices and inflicting consequences when we see an error. Top-down, authoritarian parenting encourages rebellion, secrecy and feelings of shame. Fearful, passive parenting also doesn’t help our children develop in healthy ways, it’s a way to excuse ourselves from the unpleasantries involved in parenting. If we shouldn’t be dominant but we shouldn’t be passive, then what else is there? Confident, assertive, and empathetic parents. Set reasonable and firm boundaries, parent proactively to help increase the odds of success.
Step 8 – Follow up. When something happens outside the plan, and it inevitably will, don’t take it personally, but do take a stand. A passive parent who allows their child make all choices or protects them from the consequence of their choices is acting out of fear – fear of loss of their love. A dominant parent who refuses to be flexible with their child is also parenting out of fear – fear of loss of control. “Parenting should be neither passive nor aggressive, but assertive. You are the leader, but you are a wise, caring leader” Lawrence, 2010).
References:
Grover, S. (2017). “How technology lowers emotional intelligence in kids”, Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/when-kids-call-the-shots/201707/how-technology-lowers-emotional-intelligence-in-kids
Koch, K. (2015). Screens and teens: Connecting with our kids in a wireless world. Moody Publishers.
Lawrence, L. (2010). “Courageous Parenting”, October General Conference, Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2010/10/courageous-parenting?lang=eng
Pedersen, T. (2018). “Why anxious minds can’t think right”, PsychCentral. https://psychcentral.com/news/2018/09/25/why-anxious-minds-cant-think-right#3
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