Being mistrustful protects you, right? It’s designed to keep us safe from harm. But relationship anxiety also keeps you safe from love. Protects you from fully living life, from being vulnerable.
Look, I don’t want you to tell yourself, “Nothing bad is going to happen to me, everything is fine!” It’s actually better if you accept that bad things probably will happen to you sometimes. Better to believe that you’ll recover from it and grow.
Anxiety lies. It tells you that it’s keeping you safe, but your anxiety is really there creating its own job security. Things you avoid due to anxiety only grow in magnitude, the more you avoid them.
I think everyone could use a regular dose of getting outside of their comfort zone. (Comfort vs growth?) Now THAT’S good for your mental health.
Avoiding everything that’s uncomfortable and everything that’s awkward? That boxes you in. A lot. Seek empowerment over your fear. Not acceptance of something you’re fearful of, just confidence that if absolutely necessary, you could face it and not die.
A qualified professional can help you determine whether you’re dealing with typical anxieties or a debilitating phobia. If so… Seek treatment!
It’s not like, “No thanks, I don’t like shrimp or cabbage, so I prefer not to order things with that in it.” That’s not a phobia, that’s a preference. If you’re asking for menu ingredients at every restaurant to make sure there’s no shrimp or cabbage, and you’re suspicious even when you did communicate with the staff, then you might have a problem. If that problem is a food allergy, then it’s a rational response to be on the alert!
By the way, those with severe food allergies, my heart goes out to you! I know from experience that dealing with high levels of physical trauma (i.e., anaphylaxis) can also cause echoes of emotional trauma. It’s hard. You’re doing a good job.
Even in the case of allergies, exposure therapy is the only cure… Think about it! It is rooted in biological fact. 🤔 We need to be exposed (in carefully managed doses) to some things that we seek to avoid. Isn’t that an interesting parallel.
Parents need to take care of themselves in order to be ready to tackle the next challenge that comes along – which is constantly. How do we even begin to get a moment to ourselves? Most commonly it’s through stolen moments of screen-scrolling, and that is shown to actually drain our capacities, not increase them (Mostafavi, 2016).
Often our smartphone use is really a form of avoidance, and in the long run, avoidance is so stressful. I noticed that for me, the cycle becomes doing what I can get away with in the moment – because I finally have a moment – and my life is so hard that I deserve a moment for myself to do what I want! That’s okay, but it’s important to be mindful about the choices we’re making about how to these moments. If we choose something that just makes time pass, they cause zip toward the next hard thing, especially if I have been using electronics to avoid the hard things for most of the day.
I read an inspirational quote today. It said “Self-care isn’t about hot chocolate and bubble baths, it’s about having a life you don’t feel like you need to escape from” (Siddique, 2020).
Make life easier by facing the tough stuff!
Productivity and purpose make people happier. But how do we do it? One paradox of productivity is that we must be willing to have some things NOT get done in order to have the most essential things get done. If you’re disorganized, chances are you sometimes feel like prioritizing feels irresponsible. It is about choosing which things you will NOT do. It’s somehow satisfying to get to the end of your day and say, “At least I tried to do it all. Nobody could say I didn’t try!” …. But we have no business trying to do it all! Our business is to figure out only a couple things and learn to own the fact that the things which didn’t get done were ignored intentionally because you didn’t make a conscious effort to focus on them.
But don’t stick to ONLY tough stuff!
Here’s a pro tip: let’s not go too black and white on our thinking here. Don’t plan to only focus on the boring, horrible things or you will give up planning as a lifestyle and go back to being a victim of circumstance! This is where self-care comes in. Can we be real about what we can fit into a day? Can we be sure we have at least one item on our calendar (or option list) that brings a lot of personal satisfaction? It might be organizing one corner of your desk, or chatting on the phone with a friend, or maybe turning on some music and dancing like a fool. My sister feels she has received self-care when she’s had time to do her makeup and look her best. What minor upgrade are you craving today? Let it be something that leaves you feeling better than when you started. That way you’ll have MORE juice for giving to those kiddos, not less.
You know the scenario. You dread taking your preschooler shopping with you. He’s screaming at the top of his lungs that he wants to get the Captain Fruit Lollies, and you are trying not to make eye contact with fellow shoppers who have stopped to stare. You shrink with shame and dread. At least he is somewhat contained in the shopping cart, but what are you going to do when he’s too big for shopping carts and still throwing tantrums in the store?
Dr. Haim Ginott (1973) explains that we may actually encourage our child’s misbehavior with our own self-defeating behaviors. Here are some suggestions that will gradually begin to improve your out-of-home experience:
1. Be proactive – discuss expectations before you go somewhere, such as which behaviors would end a play date, or how much money they have to spend at the store (preferrably money they’ve earned). Regardless of its source, experts advise sticking with a set amount even if it means leaving behind something they really wanted (Martinelli, 2023). You can feel sympathy for their disappointment and still not give in. That isn’t “mean”, these are valuable life lessons.
2. Be even more proactive – work on refining your parenting techniques at home. If you’ve given in too many times when they’ve begged for a movie past bedtime, or when they wanted junk food instead of the dinner you made, then they’ll know they’re the one in charge. Note: if you discussed an arrangement you were both happy with, that is not the same as “giving in.” If they don’t budge until you’ve threatened them within an inch of their life, then going out in public is probably not going to go well – you won’t want to get angry like that in front of other people. Find a public-appropriate way of talking to them, and talk to them that way at home, too. Remember, the goal isn’t always compliance. Sometimes it’s just understanding.
3. Follow-through with any predetermined consequences (no bribes, no empty threats). Be prepared to interrupt what you’re doing in order to remove them if the situation goes downhill. Don’t think of it as wasted time, but as an investment in future peace and cooperation. Go ahead and be a leader here.
4. Direct respect toward the owner of the home or restaurant, house of worship or shop you’re in. Make a big deal about figuring out what their rules are and following them. Let your children see you desiring to be obedient (rather than seeing you resenting rules and trying to justify your way around them). Demonstrate all the politeness you hope to see from them in the future.
5. Discipline out of necessity, not out of embarrassment. Don’t parent for the sake of what everyone else thinks. Be willing to be different, to be disapproved of, especially if you know what you’re doing is right. It’s your relationship with your child that will matter years from now, not your reputation with strangers.
6. Pick your battles. Remember, obedience isn’t our ONLY parenting goal! Is this thing something you want to fight for? (If they know you’re more likely to let something slide in public and they’re taking advantage of that, or they are doing that one thing you have already talked about, then yes. Pick this battle.)
7. Don’t back down. If you already picked a battle, you can’t let them win it through rude and disrespectful behavior. (You can be willing to listen and be flexible if they politely advocate for their wants and needs. That’s not the same as giving someone what they were screaming for all through the store just to get them to be quiet! Giving in to a child who is demonstrating unacceptable behavior would be trading a short-term gain for a long-term loss, and parenting is all about the long game.
8. Follow up. Discuss how the outing went after it’s over. Try to remember to do this whether the behavior was good, bad or ugly. Be specific in the way you praise them, and describe the effect their actions had, rather than assigning a value to it. For example, “Thank you for a pleasant shopping trip. You opened the doors when I was carrying the groceries to the car, that made it a lot easier for me!” (There’s a whole philosophy behind this, but basically you are teaching your child to be less dependent on your praise for warm-fuzzies, but instead feel good for the sake of the good they did for others.)
9. What’s wrong? Maybe they’re hungry or thirsty or it’s halfway through naptime. It’s hard to plan everything perfectly, but try to make shopping trips at a time of day that you’re both in a good mood. Maybe it’s just that the iPad is dead and they don’t know how to do a grocery store without it. Be cautious about being over-reliant on electronics for peace. That’s another short-term gain, long-term loss.
10. Have realistic expectations for their age. If you’re hoping a preschooler will never make a fuss, never have an opinion, and not bother you at the wrong moment, then you’re better off going it alone. Otherwise, you will both be miserable. Just have predetermined boundaries before you go.
This is all going to take some time and practice, so remember you’re not alone the next time you’re going down the aisle with a screaming child. Look your fellow shoppers in the eyes and give them a sympathetic smile. Many of them already know what this is like. Maybe when you look up, they’ll already have a smile waiting for you.
References:
Ginott, H. (1973) Between Parent and Child. Macmillan.
So, your child has a device and you’ve discovered something you were hoping you’d never see. Or maybe you just heard about the scary things that are out there! Now what?
Step 1 – Don’t panic. The human brain’s natural reaction to stressful news is known as fight or flight – get mad or get scared. Both of those are reactions that flood your brain with cortisol. You can’t fully access the benefits of your cerebral cortex when you’re angry or afraid (Pederson, 2018). Ever notice that when you are in emotional overload is when you tend to make bad choices?
Step 2 – Don’t ignore it. Your brain wants to protect you from overload AND prevent conflict/danger/difficulty, so stay mindful. Don’t let your brain’s natural programming retreat to somewhere comfortable. Often, something seems awful right BEFORE you actually jump in and take it on. Don’t ignore the problem under any guise. Don’t tell yourself “I just respect their privacy” unless it’s truly a minor offense that’s better off being ignored than confronted. Check yourself, are you fearful? Then do what you need to do to get ready to take it on.
Step 3 – Get informed (and get support) here are some links to good advice on specifics for how to help your child manage their device. The information is constantly updating, so here I will refer you to some of my favorite resources for the latest research:
Step 4 – Be honest (you might need to practice your words first) Have a conversation. If you are dreading the conversation, get a mediator by your side (and another by theirs, if that helps). Clarify why it is you are stepping in. Give enough information necessary to inform them, but not to frighten them. This is a moment for vulnerability, not condemnation or demanding uncontested control.
Step 5 – Show love & empathy. Keep developing the relationship. Commit to continuing to learn about parenting – be open to learning new concepts and techniques that help you understand them and show empathy. Use discipline as a guide, not a weapon. You can’t protect them from everything, but that shouldn’t stop you from trying! Open the channels of communication and try to comprehend. How well you listen to them will have an enormous influence on how well they’ll listen to you. Listening and understanding do not automatically equate to agreeing or condoning. We can be understanding about how hard it is even as we’re insisting it has to be that way. Sometimes love means being willing to feel some of someone else’s pain.
Step 6 – Plan together what you will do next. Show them the decision you’ve made for screen-monitoring, blocking or filtering options based on your current research (make sure you’re aware which operating system your child’s device uses), then let them help you form the plan for when, what, and for how long. Plan in advance to be open to their input (make an informed decision, not an emotional one), but it’s easier to start strict and lighten up than it is to bear down after they’re accustomed to having a free-for-all. This is like using guard rails on the highway or baby proofing around the house – it may seem restrictive, but it’s for their protection. Let them know you’ll continue to adapt as they grow, but in addition to monitoring they need screen-free time to be able to develop social skills and impulse control (Grover, 2017).
Step 7 – Project Confidence. Kathy Koch, PhD, author of “Screens and Teens” (2015), advocates the idea that we are in the business of motivating our kids to internalize values that lead to good choices. She says we are not as effective when we are merely monitoring their choices and inflicting consequences when we see an error. Top-down, authoritarian parenting encourages rebellion, secrecy and feelings of shame. Fearful, passive parenting also doesn’t help our children develop in healthy ways, it’s a way to excuse ourselves from the unpleasantries involved in parenting. If we shouldn’t be dominant but we shouldn’t be passive, then what else is there? Confident, assertive, and empathetic parents. Set reasonable and firm boundaries, parent proactively to help increase the odds of success.
Step 8 – Follow up. When something happens outside the plan, and it inevitably will, don’t take it personally, but do take a stand. A passive parent who allows their child make all choices or protects them from the consequence of their choices is acting out of fear – fear of loss of their love. A dominant parent who refuses to be flexible with their child is also parenting out of fear – fear of loss of control. “Parenting should be neither passive nor aggressive, but assertive. You are the leader, but you are a wise, caring leader” Lawrence, 2010).
Traditional marriages often fall into traditional roles, but this doesn’t need to be the case. Let him hear from you.
Married women have just as much right to choice in their lives as single women do. Yes, you are committed to the union! Does that mean you now give up all semblance of happiness when you approach the altar of marriage? No, temporary peace comes at a high cost.
Do you realize what an uneven level of sacrifice does to your marriage? It doesn’t strengthen your union; it fosters resentment. Eventually, resentment will build inside you. Guilt or apathy is likely what you’ll receive from your partner, because he won’t know your experience if you never told him.
Challenge him, challenge his thinking. Be his true partner. I am writing this post because I’m thinking of some women I know who behave (or teach their daughters to behave) as if the relationship is so fragile that it’s going to fall apart they stand up and say something “wrong”. They’re afraid to tell him that something is wrong.
If you treat a relationship like it’s THAT fragile, it will be.
Some issues are too insignificant to worry about, and others are not easily solved. But letting everything get swept under the rug in the name of “keeping the marriage together” is making for an incredibly unbalanced, unhealthy relationship. I don’t just mean equality for women as a principle, I mean for each of you to develop a general attitude and behavior of caring about what each other is experiencing. Not to prove you’re a good wife, but because you actually care about what each other is experiencing.
Give him a chance. Give him a chance to be the good guy; a chance to know what you are really thinking and feeling. Don’t wait for the frustration to build to a boiling point, or you may make an enemy rather than make a point.
What about him? What if his ego is fragile? Well, let’s hope he’s not completely egotistical, but if he is, it’s better to know it, rather than tiptoe and pretend it’s not true.
I’m not talking about asserting your opinion or authority above another person. That’s just the same problem in reverse. I am saying to be assertive enough to let him know what you’re thinking and how you are feeling. Communicate it in a way that shows you believe he cares about what you’re thinking and how you are feeling.
If he is going to act against your better judgment, he should at least know what that judgment is. Then at least you can truly know whether or not he is deserving of the resentment you’ll inevitably feel toward him if he steamrolls you.
Women have traditionally been taught to be passive. We’re taught to keep the peace. Sometimes I struggle when I find myself needing to say something that contradicts what my husband has just said. It’s hard because I feel like I’m rocking the boat. This is how we contribute to “the patriarchy”; we let his assertiveness be met only by our desire to get along.
Women, being sensitive to social situations, sometimes feel as if having an opinion makes us automatically responsible for the his reaction to their opinion (am I right?) We are not responsible for their reaction, but we are responsible for our delivery.
But what if he never hears your opinion? Then how can he act on it? Women have been traditionally told to never complain. Remember, a suggestion is not a complaint. A new perspective should be welcome in a stable marriage relationship. You are doing both of you a disservice if you always keep quiet.
Something women do automatically is ask each other a lot of questions, and invite a lot of feedback. Men do not automatically do this. Therefore, women tend to automatically feel that someone who communicates in a more masculine way has laid down the law and is very, very firm in their decision, when really it’s just a difference in communication style. If you feel timid in bringing up a point you fear he’s not ready to hear, consider just asking it as a question.
“May I make a suggestion?”
If he says no, then that means he had to hear himself telling you that you are not allowed to make a suggestion. It helps him reveal his true character.
What is the consequence of him not knowing your true feelings on things? What if you go along very easily with everything, in an attempt to never contradict or complain. Then you rob not only yourself, but you also rob him of two things. You rob him of the chance to get to know his real wife, and you rob him of the opportunity to grow by taking another person’s perspective into consideration.
It is best for both of you if you consider yourselves as a partnership.
What do people become if they only see success and never meet with any resistance? They become spoiled. Entitled. They do not know what a good thing they have.
So, speak up! Disagree agreeably. Not with fear, but with courage. With the confidence of knowing this is a good man, and you are a good woman, and you are a partnership. Do not spoil him with your silence. Help him rise to the occasion and become who he is destined to become.
Another reason it’s easy to be passive is because before we were women, we were children. If we were parented traditionally, then we were encouraged to keep our opinions to ourselves, because the grown-ups don’t often want to hear the opinions of children.
Men who call women nags are the same men who are not interested in hearing from them in the first place. There is not necessarily anything wrong with that woman. However, she may be speaking in a way that is passive aggressive, because she was never invited to be assertive. If you’re waiting to be invited; don’t wait anymore. Men don’t invite each other to be assertive; they just are. If you are assertive, too, then a good man will respect you for it. It will STRENGTHEN the marriage, not weaken it. If the relationship is weakened when you are being strong, then what does that say about the relationship?
Don’t wait for him to ask what you think
Babies who are ignored tend to cry. Women who are ignored tend to complain. It is every bit as much his responsibility to take care of this marriage as it is yours. Elevate him to the status of one who is an equal partner with his wife.
Do not abdicate the responsibility of all decision-making to him. That’s cheap. That way you get the right to be unhappy about all of his decisions, since you took no part in them. You get to maintain a victimhood status. Taking an active role in the decisions means you don’t get to sit back and blame someone else for the decisions. But it does mean you are empowered far beyond what you would be if you only had the power to blame someone else.
Married men are much healthier than single men of the same age. We do a good job taking care of our men, by and large. But we do them a disservice if we do not help him to grow his character. If we are disgruntled pushovers, obligated to uphold his every word in every situation. Don’t treat him like he’s a monarchical dictator (you certainly don’t want him to become one).
I cannot overstate the importance of believing this is your right and your duty. Otherwise you will speak like a petulant child; a teen who is complaining that their parents never listen to them. This is not a good place for him to be acting well from. Give him the benefit of the doubt that he actually cares for you. Give him the chance to be a good man.
Too many men are living beneath their potential because of women who will not speak up in good faith. That means they only speak up out of exasperation, and how does that sound from the other end? It sounds like you’re complaining about your boss. It sounds like you’re making him out to be the bad guy. But you didn’t marry a bad guy, you married a good man.
With work, you can learn to see eye to eye
Believe he is that man. Have faith that he is a good man. Believe he can rise to the challenge of meeting the requests of his wife by sharing those requests with confidence and love. Most men are pleased to bend over backwards to make their wives happy. Just be sure to say it as a request between equals.
This is a picture of what I’m doing today to keep my youngest girls to stay on task with their school work. It matters to me that they’re motivated, rather than forced (otherwise it’s miserable for all of us!!) This has been the best strategy so far:
You don’t have to be an artist to create these simple hand-drawn charts to help track & visualize tasks for kids who are homeschooling.
You don’t need any special print-off; just trace their hands on a paper and write which actions earn them a sticker to put on each nail – or just use crayons if you don’t have stickers. Be as vague or specific as you need to be. Just keep it fun! The girls’ tasks here are divided into things like worksheet pages, 15 minutes at a time on math, reading a short book, as well as simple chores changing into their day clothes or clearing off their place at the table.
Ten is still a pretty big goal number, so I gave my littlest a bonus prize when she earned 5 stickers for the first hand, and the girls will each earn a manicure from Mommy once they’ve adorned all 10 fingers!
Traditional weekly fill-in-the blank charts were doing nothing for us, because they proved to be too abstract for a 5 and 7 year old. Then again, I can never expect that a chart will “do something” for me. Strategies fail quickly when they aren’t backed up by effort. Reminder charts have to be referred back to frequently so they get a chance to remind us to do the work. Having a visual strategy with short-term goal setting did really enhance their efforts, and the girls were happily referring back to these charts on their own!
This system is better than what we were doing before, because it visually displays how they’re progressing overall, rather than waiting all day for any benefits as they go through the mental list (usually I would just end up enduring the push-pull cycle!) This is also preferable to receiving little rewards for EACH step in the right direction, because they’re still getting some delayed gratification.
My kids’ school allows them to be self-paced, which has its own challenges, but I imagine visualizing a “countdown” could also be useful for those children who seem to have endless Zoom meetings.
I have a bonus tip which I’ve shared with some of my other young clients who have to endure back-to-back zoom meetings: Make tally marks as you listen to lectures. Use two categories, labeled “Stuff I already know” and “Stuff I didn’t know before” (or “New” and “Review”). This simple system gives your brain something to scan for, and scanning requires a lot less effort (and therefore requires less motivation) compared to the expected task of active listening. Think of scanning like when you’re in an environment with a lot of background noise and you hear your name; suddenly you pay attention! Your name is something your brain is programmed to scan for, without conscious effort. Depending on the subject, your brain could be casually scanning for “novel information” in order to try to add up tally marks. You might count your tallies to gauge how well you were listening. **Extra credit if you actually write down what the new information IS!!**
Today I want to share a very entertaining video with you! The name of the creator’s YouTube channel is “Editing is Everything” and I agree with that statement! Dani uses her editing skills to showcase how the same story can be retold in ways that give a completely different impression of its style or even overall purpose. The concept is more than entertaining; it illustrates a new angle to take when interpreting things that happen in life!
(Warning: decide now that YouTube won’t lead you away…)
Editing is not just for movie trailers, of course. It’s for political campaign ads and what we think of our neighbors; it’s news and statistics brought to you through someone else’s lens; it’s why two people sitting at the same table might leave a restaurant with opposite reviews of how the evening went. It’s all in how we (often unconsciously) edit the information we’re presented with.
We all have a part of our brain that does the service of filtering information that comes in, since there is always too much sensory input to consciously process at once. The reticular activating system helps us “skim” email topics, filter out ambient sounds or what people are wearing, and pay attention only when it matches sought-after information. This level of pattern recognition helps us function brilliantly, but it also means we miss things we weren’t looking for. It can also make us unconsciously rely on filters that force others to fit within the patterns we know. We don’t need to accept every bias our minds present us with; it’s our duty to regularly challenge our assumptions!
How can we do that? Next time you’re on social media, think to yourself; do I really have a whole view of this person, now that I’ve read this single online comment they made (often seen out of context)? What if I know some details about them, like how much money they make, and which country their family is from? Then is that enough? Of course not. What about the human tendency to focus on the negative? Should we judge every individual and organization by the worst things they’ve ever done? The bugs in an app, the worst service ever provided, or the worst score you’ve had on a test? Go easy on yourself, and please go easy on each other! Whether strangers in the news or long time friends, I would ask that you try to give others the benefit of the doubt. Remember everyone is reacting to their current circumstances through the lens of their past experiences. We almost never have their full story.
How do you view the people in your life? Do you really have the full story, or just an edited version?
So, how was your day, really? YOU choose which footage to keep and what to leave on the cutting room floor. I’ve decided I’m embracing the parts I want to embrace, and letting the rest go whenever I can.
When it comes to how I think of myself, I can write about favorite memories of each day when I write in my journal, rather than only reiterate the negative. Recording the best bits influences my recollection, increases my satisfaction, AND it changes what I skim for the next day… win-win!
I’m loving this realization, how about you? Have you ever wished that someone else would “edit” their recollection of the past, so they would perceive you differently? Is there anything in your life that you might find to be less upsetting you if you could just looked at it differently? You’re the editor, right?
Who says March 31st can’t be Halloween if we want it to be? The world is a little upside-down right now anyway!
The kids ran from the front door to the back, but this could easily be done inside a home, knocking on bedroom doors, etc.
Here’s a craft/activity where most of the effort must be made by the kids! (No neighbors here, they’re all mine!)
I told them the night before that we would be having Halloween the following evening, March 31st, and it was up to them to get a costume ready. When the time came, I just walked between the front door and the back door with an old box of miniature candy canes. The kids had to run all the way around the house and knock on the door or ring the bell. I would open the door as they said, “Trick or Treat!” Then they would take one piece and race for the other door, trying to beat me to it! They wore kind of rag-tag costumes, but who cares? Besides, that’s not unusual for us, even on Halloween. 😂
I got rid of some old Christmas candy (plus a small craft item I found), and they stayed busy making memories for an evening (one day at a time, right?) Win-win for me!
Try it yourself if it sounds like something that would work for you. Let me know how it goes!
Author’s note: The bulk of this article was originally written for a stranger who had shared their struggle with suicidal thoughts, but I would give this same advice to anyone who struggles with mental health …or even just really big emotions! It doesn’t have to be extreme before it’s worth paying attention to what’s going on inside us.
It’s important to have someone you can be vulnerable with, even if they are anonymous. Everyone needs someone they can trust to tell their fears to. Many times the people we love feel uncomfortable when we share, so they don’t know what to do. They feel like their only options are to try to fix you, or to protect themselves from feeling so deeply, because it hurts so much. It takes a lot of strength to be with someone who is suffering and just allow it to run its course, even though often it’s the best thing they can do.
When you need to share your anxiety (and you need to) first tell the person what they can do for you. Preface the conversation with something like, “Can I share something with you? It’s awkward for me, and very personal, but I feel like I need to tell someone…” You might even add, “You don’t have to try to fix it or make it go away. All I really need is somebody to listen and be there.” (Or, if you know your Love Language, you could say that you just need a shoulder to lean on, or some words of encouragement, etc.)
This step of getting “permission” can save you from heartache and embarrassment. It prepares them to be there for you, and by answering affirmatively, they have committed to it. You can often gauge from someone’s reaction whether they are interested or cannot be trusted. It’s probably normal to see fidgeting, or even lack of eye contact (they might just need a moment to adjust to the intensity), but someone who scoffs, shakes their head, changes the subject or just plain walks away isn’t ready yet. On the other hand, someone who can maintain their focus, or even increases their attentiveness when they hear your words, is preparing themselves to be there for you. The same people who might seem cruel when they don’t know what to do with themselves have the potential to be good to you if they have enough clarity (and if they aren’t surrounded by negative peer pressure).
Keep in mind you are more likely to get a negative response if the person you are planning to talk to is the person who is causingthe problem you’d like to talk about. Sometimes, when you’re feeling stepped on our disregarded, you just need someone else to speak up to them on your behalf. A third party could also help you find the words to be assertive, yet kind. You might share with your trusted confidante that you’re not trying to make anyone look bad, but you would like guidance on how to gently work out the situation. (PS, coaches can be good for this, too!)
The important thing is not to wait until you are near the breaking point. It’s important to tell someone at the first sign of trouble, so you have time for several “failed” tries to share your troubles if you realize you either can’t trust someone, or they aren’t emotionally ready for you. By searching for help right away, there is still time to keep trying until you find someone who understands that you need someone who cares, long before you’re at your breaking point. This is a skill. You will get better at it, and so will they.
Another note: Often adolescents don’t understand how to get our attention, and if you have a very angry adolescent on your hands, consider taking the time to teach them how best to get your attention, rather than just reacting badly when they start badly. Often when they’re being a problem, it’s because they’re having a problem. When you’re prepared, you can respond to them in a helpful frame of mind, you won’t accidentally dismiss a problem or get defensive and start a whole new problem. It is one of the best lessons they can learn, because it helps them get the help they need, now and into adulthood.
I am an avid student of interpersonal communication, and I believe the way we get someone’s attention is every bit as critical as the thing we have to say. Believe that the other person wants to help you. Help them help you.
I pray you will find a trusted confidante. It could a be a sister or brother, maybe you haven’t communicated with in a while. Get their permission before you disclose, and it could be nearly anyone you’d expect you could trust. Be a strength to them, too, when they fall on hard times, as well as when they need someone by their side to celebrate life’s good moments. Happiness isn’t as joyful when you have no one to share it with. Share the joy they have to offer. ♥️
Admission: I have spent several months with one foot in my business project, and one foot in being a stay-at-home mom (that was my full-time gig up until this year when my youngest daughter started preschool – now it’s only most of time!) I find myself not really being able to give my heart to either very effectively in the moments that I need to. Over the years I’ve become anxious of taking the plunge into ADD-hyperfocus mode, which has kept me just short of finishing some fabulous ideas which are sitting at about 90% done. I want to do more.
Today I started a Skillshare class, and it is REALLY good, you guys! It’s by motivational speaker and life coach TJ Walker, and he calls it How to Organize your Home Effectively. I knew I would get more motivated to tackle the house if I watched it listened to something on the subject. One of the important questions he asked is for us to define our “why?”
My why: I want to feel unburdened so I can start my blog/business without all the guilt. I’ve heard that clutter is a result of indecision, and I’m finding clutter also creates MORE indecision, since I can’t decide whether to work on the clutter or something more meaningful to me.
So now as I approach decluttering, I’m thinking it’s actually best for me to cultivate a mindset, not motivation and willpower and focus, or determination and endurance. I need to just get in the mindset of being decisive. I don’t even need to feel “inspired”. I don’t even need to do it for very long at once.
Being decisive doesn’t mean I know I’m making “the right choice”. It means I’m able and willing to handle the consequences of whatever choice I make. It’s kind of like being… Confident.
There you go, a little motivation for both of us and a blog post written in only 30 minutes! Write YOUR “why” in the comments; in other words, the reason you want to do this hard thing, whatever is staring you in the face, then go do it! 🥰
Update: Important realization – I still had to get myself used to the idea of doing it even once I made the decision. Once I started, I gradually gained momentum. Nowhere near where I want to be, but I can’t expect to do it all in a day (maybe that’s why I keep hesitating? Is that my unrealistic expectation?) I am glad to have the advice from any geniuses out there with suggestions for keeping up on papers!
Innovising 